A Baby Boy

He grows up as a man - a good son for his mom & dad, a naughty-yet-kind brother to his sister. While in other side, I love the way he complains when he gets himself a disease. His left ear does not function very well, to be clear. It feels good when someone seeks for your presence - because he needs you, he feels complete when you are around - as I do feel, completely complete. 

He cries like a baby, a hungry baby asking for milk from his mother. Or a sick baby asking for his mother to look after him every second - change his diaper, rub his back until he falls asleep in peace. Without doubt or fear of anything, I literally calm him down, whispering everything is gonna be fine - as hard as I could, doing the best of the best that I could - to make him feel the best.

I may not be his favorite person when he's sick, yet the moment he tells (read: complains) me everything literally shows he needs me too. I have no idea how long it takes for him to fall back to my arm again, but I never stopped praying may he always be happy with what makes him happy now - with or without me, as long as he is happy, that's all that matters.

How I wish I could turn back the clock, the moment he showers me with full of loves - the screen never missed his "❤️" messages, calling me sayang like everyday. It makes me feel loved, I swear. I know he is now trying to fall back to me again, like how he used to do last time. Yet, if his heart still says no - the borders between us are too strong to be broken, at least I have tried my best to make him happy. A few months from now, he's not gonna see me again in person. I let his heart decide and for sure, he is the first person I'm gonna miss the most.

1800+ km

Wishing you a speedy recovery, sayang. Good night.

Much love,

Nuraini

You Look Happier

I am glad that you finally found the happiness you will never have if I were to be a part of your life. It is good to know that you are doing just fine after removing hindrance of your contentment - me. It is a mixed feeling that I am having now because I wish you were gentler enough in doing that - in controlling the situation yet remaining us to be the same. Your judgement towards my life hits me so hard because I now realize, all these time was pouring my heart out to you was never something you took seriously. All you see was the petals of roses and the thorns, you disregard.

I wish I had the eyes through you in our first argument - when your point of view towards my value and self was clearly shown. I wish all those time I was trying to put a smile on you through all the good times I prepared so much for, was the time I use for something else that is not about you. Because the pain you made me bear was as much as the affection I have for you. And I am still hating myself knowing that I would choose you over anything else always, now and anytime.

My love and affection for you are in battle with my demon that you provoke. One time I would say I will come running and begging for you if that is what you would want, and one time I would say a sight of you is nothing I will cherish nor I would care about. Because once again, the battle between these feelings I have for you is never ending. Guess you are really that something my adult self would be grateful not to be introduced to, someone that my younger self was stupid enough to care for with all her heart.

Much love,

Nuraini

Late Night Thoughts

His dreams were beyond everything in this world.

As higher than the mountains, as wider than the ocean.

Getting spliced with a very wonderful woman was one of his dreams, I believe.

He ever raised his voice yet she never runs away.

Fight and stay, fight and stay again.

Tolerance and endurance are the keys of two hearts to be tied together.

Beyond any doubt, I suppose it is what we call true love.

He never complained for what he lacks of, yet he never asked for more.
Being surrounded by his four princesses is such a blessing he could ask.
My vision becomes blurry, interrupting my eyes to see clearly.
Remembering back in decades ago.
He went home with Twisties on hands - some for the kids, some was given to Coopy the dog.
Red - the original, green - the spicy.
The kids were fighting unendingly to win the red - that is also called a monthly gift.
Spanner on right hand while shedding sweat with the other hand.
350 was on overmuch quantity to buy the kids happiness.
He enjoys his life - what I know and I hope it will never end.

Much love,
Nuraini

365 Days

It's kinda awkward to start writing again. So yeah, 2018 was a very amazing year where I decided to recreate the narrative of my own story. Recreating here doesn't mean you have to change everything in your life. For sure, we definitely won't be able to change the past. I know, there are some of us hate on how we started our life, but we often forget that somehow past can shape us into a better version of ourselves now. Recreating here is like reincarnation. Love yourself like you are born again and what you do now will determine what your past will look like in the future. Explore the world, learn and find your own life. 

To be honest, 2018 was a year that I wish I could live in that year again. There are so many uncountable and unforgettable moments happened in this year. 2018 was a year where I realize that adulting is hard. Adulting is the stage where you understand why family is your number one priority. It's like you are ready to die starving to keep them alive. Adulting is the stage where you filter your friends, you keep what's best and avoid what's bad - anything that can destroy you. You can make as more friends as you wish, but keep the ones that you can get along, the ones that you can share everything with. 

2018 was a year where I believe a good man still exists. Actually this entry should be written on 7th January, which remarks the 365th days I'm with him. Yes, him. I never expected I could love someone this hard. He is miles away from me, but I swear distance is the reason why my feeling keeps escalating towards him. It's very suffocating to miss someone that you can't be able to touch his face or hold his hands. Love is the reason why we are still together. He never showered me with wealth or any fancy gifts. Yet he never let my stomach empty, he never let me cry alone. When I get my hair cut, he notices. When I cry, he is the one who tells me everything is alright even if the world is against me. Have you ever experienced of loving someone and even if he hurts you, you still keep loving him? No matter how many times you fight, you both are still together? I guess it's called love. 

Until today, the place that I hate the most is airport. The moment when I wave him for the last time is very heartbreaking. It's like you want to run towards him, hug and never let go. What I can do is nothing, except pray he's always protected wherever he is. Between two conditions, I choose both family and him. I do believe that one day, we all will be united, you and I, my family and yours. 

Much love,

Nuraini